Found my old blog by accident!

Bismillah! So I was tinkering with google a while back after realising that google has more functions than just email, drive, and search hehe. Lo and behold, I stumbled upon my old blogs, containing 15 to 20 year old stuff and what a time machine it is! Some posts I remember typing, others I could vaguely recall, and then a few like scars of my days gone by. It's like a window to the teenage and young-adult me; all the posts seem so, young? Yet it is nothing like how the Gen Zs express themselves today. Anyway, since I have a bit of time and since the last time I posted was in January 2010, I thought it'd be a good time to look back at how life has been, all the graces that Allah s.w.t has bestowed on me, lessons learnt from my experiences, and hopefully this will give me some clarity on my directions forward and now I sound so damn formal, or sentimental or managerial corporate haha. 

My last post was in January 2010 so that will be my starting point. January 2010 was the year I ORD-ed. In fact, my last post before deserting this blog, was published three days after my ORD date. What happened since then? If my memory serves me well, I remembered bumming around for a few weeks while looking out for a part time job. By then, I was quite certain of teaching as a career choice, so I decided to look for relief teaching gig and I did get the chance! Relief taught at my alma mater for almost 6 months, before I matriculated into university sometime in August 2010. Ouh and relationship-wise, I was still with my ex at that time. Young, naive me really thought that that was my future wife. Older me, however, taught me to value myself. Allah s.w.t. was The Guiding Master throughout. I planned, He decreed otherwise, made a different arrangement for me, and I am oh so thankful for that. Maa shaa Allah, Tabaarakallah. And I started learning a bit of Arabic with an Ustaz but had to stop when I entered University. I'd get the chance to continue a few years later though, so it's all good. 

University life deserves a whole paragraph of its own. Where do I even begin? For context, I come from a JC whose culture is not up my alley. I wasn't much of an athlete; I didn't mind physical activities and exercising, just was not competitive in that regard? And I was in the science stream, even though I did not study pure science at O levels, and that meant I had to put in the extra work just to be at the same starting point as my classmates. So I studied, a lot, during recess, lunch, after school etc. I was a nerd, amongst other nerds. People were not mean, but once in a while, they poke fun. Nothing demeaning though. But the culture is just, not so much of a studying culture? Like you'd be the odd one if you do well in class kind of situation? But when A Levels loomed, almost everyone somewhat sobered up and gave it a go. Not many achieved their goals but I think most of us, if not all, turned out fine, and some are doing even better that those who did well during our A Levels. Life just has its ways, Allah s.w.t. gives rizq to those He wants to, alhamdulillah for that. Alright, so having come from such a context, university was a breath of fresh, pristine air. People actually studied, and they did so early, and when you do well or at least strive to, you're not the odd one out. Doing your readings or revision during your breaks and lunches is actually a thing, and no one pokes fun at you when you try to talk serious stuff outside of the classroom? Don't get me wrong, I don't usually do that, except once in a while. People actually respect each other's strive. Although at times, it may get too competitive, like I-didn't-do-well-because-I-got-an A-minus kind of competitiveness. But we were respectful and the competition was friendly, so it was all good. I felt that I matured a whole lot intellectually during university. I was planning to major in Economics, that was what I told everyone before I matriculated lol, but I ended up majoring in Sociology and minoring in Malay Studies instead. I was done with being overly pragmatic when making life decisions (I chose science stream in JC because of prospects, heh), and I decided to what would give me new, novel perspectives, even if it may not be technical or directly practical to my job later (I'd find out that it somewhat is, at least in my line of work). I threw myself into the embrace of university student life - joined countless student events, met countless people whom I'm thankful for, actually spoke up countless times during tutorials, seminars, and whatever engagement sessions there were. University friends motivated each other to do well, and then even better. The vibe was supportive all around. Till today, I miss my university life. It was where I felt I was in my element, and when I felt most confident. That was where I met my wife too. 

 So when I began university, I was still with my ex. She did many bad things, things I don't want to type here (because it's 'aib lah), while I was serving my national service. Perhaps she somewhat forgot that I'll ORD later? Perhaps she thought I won't find out? Perhaps I'm too forgiving of a person? I don't know. Anyway, I was in humanities and social sciences in university and that meant I was surrounded by female students. Not because I was handsome, I don't think I am, or even much of a charm. It's just a statistical inevitability of being a male in humanities and social sciences, I guess? So I ended making many female friends. I've got a number of male friends too, but females outnumber them. When I joined any student committees, females outnumber males too. So it was quite natural that my friendships ended up being female dominated. Another way was to be a hermit, but being an extrovert, that would put me at risk of losing my mind lol. So I guess she became insecure? I tried to allay her fears, brought her for school events, introduced her to my friends, males and females, let her into the circle I was in at university. But to no avail. Insecurities are hard to overcome, perhaps. What broke the relationship off? She cheated on me with another friend of mine. Insecurities are hard to overcome, indeed. Put simply, one fine sunday, I was supposed to go for a friend's event with her, but when I woke up, my relationship status has changed to 'In a relationship with no one' on facebook, she wanted to call me, and over the call, told me she wanted to break up. After asking a thousand whys, and after finding out, I decided to turn 'why' into 'bye', and that was it. No regrets though, the heartbreak turned out to be emancipating. And who knew emancipation could push your GPA into the second upper honours range heh. And the cherry on the cake, I met my wife, after being single for about 1.5 years after the break up. 

My wife. She was the elusive one. The smart one. The one that collects her O and A level results on stage type, unlike a mere mortal like me who had to wait in the line for that life-defining piece of paper. She didn't join many student events. I first saw her in the bus. Told another friend that she looks beautiful. Friend told me her name. Tried getting to know her, joked a bit and that was it. Saw her a few times in the bus, plucked the courage to sit beside her. Went for lunch. Joked some more. Saw her studying in the canteen once. Jio-ed her to study in the library together ("Library got aircon, more conducive, join me?", can't believe it worked lol). Studied a few times thereafter. Asked her out during one of the breaks, she said yes. Ate thosai for our first date. Soft revealed on FB. Bunch of female friends started asking, talking, manifesting, probing, investigating,and whatever related -ings there were, they did. Then, we became an item. Then we graduated. Not before I completed my honours thesis, though. That was intense but good training. Fun but pressurising too. University life was where many changes, or transformation, happened, romantically, intellectually, interpersonally, and spiritually too. 

 After university, adulting loomed. Instagram was already up by then, so you can imagine the amount of first-day-at-work posts we had to witness. It's all good when you have secured a job. But if you haven't, the FOMO was real, and soul-crushing if not managed well. I was contemplating joining social services, but decided against it and went for my first choice, teaching and education! Went for an interview, had to write an essay, demonstrate some teaching skills (fortunately I had taught relief and Mendaki tuition back then, so this wasn't entirely new to me), then got interviewed, cleared, did contract teaching, cleared, went to NIE for PGDE and practicum, passed, welcome to adult life don't forget to pay your bills and taxes on time thanks. Ouh, the interviewers acted like some bickering students during the teaching demo lol. Thought I handled that pretty well. Think I did because I ended up becoming a teacher for about 9 years! Became a discipline master while at that too. I've heard many horror stories of practicum but mine was rather smooth sailing, and I thank Allah for that. Ouh I got engaged while I was in NIE, got married while I was still teaching in my first school. Similarly, I've heard many nightmare-inducing accounts of wedding planning, but mine was rather straightforward too. Again, I thank Allah for that, and the people around me for trusting us to do what we want. And yes, I managed to achieve my Masters a few years back, part time. It wasn't easy but it was well-worth it! 

Marriage has been a bliss so far. Travelled to a few places together, North Africa, Europe, Saudi (went umrah twice, the second time with my in-laws too!), explored around our backyard Southeast Asia, and Australia. Looking forward to more travels together. I stayed at my in-laws place for a while, before getting a place of our own. Blessed wtih understanding in-laws, to be honest. Felt like I got pampered a little too much while being there. Didn't feel difficult transitioning from my maternal home to my in-laws place. Then we got a nice place, designed it to be minimalist which fits the kind of life we envisioned for. And that's where I have been living ever since. Currently, both my wife and I are trying to balance between life and spiritual fulfilment. I started re-learning the faith on a part-time basis when I was in NIE. Started to learn Arabic properly (going to class, studying, taking exams), then took a certificate in Islamic studies and Quranic studies. I'm currently enrolled in a part-time diploma course in Quranic and Hadith studies, and am completing it soon. Meanwhile, my wife is enrolled in an Islamic Studies diploma course. I'll be taking an advanced diploma in Syariah, if Allah permits, next year. Really looking forward to that. My Arabic studies is till ongoing too. Thank God for Zoom, I'm able to enrol in an online class, and am learning Arabic with an online class. My aim? O level Arabic, or even A level Arabic. We'll see how this goes. But at the end of the day, my true goal is to be able to understand the Quran, Hadith, and the works of the scholars. I don't know why I'm so interested in this, yet I thank Allah s.w.t. for gifting me with this thirst to learn his deen. 

Work wise, after 9 to 10 years of being in MOE, I decided to call it quits. I'm still in education though, just teaching at a different school, in a different context. Nothing much to say about that, maybe I'll share at another time. But put simply, I am currently working on my other goal i.e., religious education and my aims to pursue a PhD! This, is something that I am still thinking about. It seems that PhD application needs clarity, and that can only come with a more manageable workload, which was unattainable in MOE. Maybe one day I'll go back, maybe not. But where I am teaching at the moment, I have time and space after work to think deeper about what I'd like to pursue. And for that, I'm thankful. In between my old job and my current, I took a very short break, and managed to do Umrah with some of my friends. That was something to remember as well. The excitement of doing tawaf and sai'e in Masjidil Haram, and the serenity of attending Quranic lessons and lectures in Masjid Nabawi is unmatched. Maa shaa Allah. Can't wait to get back there again.

There are other things that I think are worth mentioning too. My parents are well and healthy, alhamdullilah. My siblings are too. I have two nephews and a niece now. But while I was doing contract teaching, before joining NIE for PGDE, we lost our uncle, Cik Man, to cancer. I still think about him every now and then. I'm happy to see his children, my cousins, growing up well and healthy and are doing their things! In fact I still think about my late grandparents. Just a few days back, Facebook reminded me of some memories of Umrah with my late grandpa in 1997. May Allah have mercy on them. 

What an update it has been! I had wanted to write more, in deeper detail, but I guess this will do for now. I might resurrect this blog, I might not. But I'll be coming back once in a while, just for the fun of it. And also as a place for recount and reflection. Not gonna lie though, this is somewhat therapeutic. We'll see how. Sometimes, when we are too busy in the day-to-day matters, we lose sight of the blessings that we have had. I hope this blog will be the space for me to reflect and be thankful. I don't know who still reads this blog. If you do, thank you for reading. Do leave a comment if anything resonates with you. 

And may peace be upon you!